Weekend! Weekend!
Yeah! Weekend! That’s good! Look ma, a weekend! Phew, finally, an end to a hectic week of tests and horrible project assignments. Yes, that’s right, tests and projects. You thought they’d been wiped out, that they’d been exterminated in the last round of vaccinations against them back in December. Well, now, three months later, they’re back with a vengeance, and they’re not going away anytime soon.
First of all, some of these project are naught but pseudo-projects, placed in the future to strike fear into the hearts of the masses, one of which is the dreaded genetics research paper for biology.
Yes, biology, which has made a substantial recovery since hitting rock bottom around mid-January, is trading down in the extended hours session after reporting that GPAs would come in light for the third quarter. Homework revenue is uncertain, and it seems the entire class may be heading toward collapse as hired specialists such as Mr. Tluczek, an ardent politics debator have been teaching in the place of embattled CEO, Karel Drechsler.
And what would an educational earnings report be without English? (Well it’d be in a different language, at least.) But seriously, Honors English, after trading in the middle of its 52-week range and just above its 200-day moving average for the past several weeks, is now in serious danger of falling to a new low after sell-offs in the English sector this week.
The stock got a quick pop on Monday, when Eppco released the terms of a new agreement with Kulinski Petroleum Corporation, of which Eppco holds a 2% stake. Under the agreement, Kulinski will provide Eppco with educational services worth over 45 minutes, allowing Eppco the time it needs to partner with Trapani Labs in developing the next killer app.
Now, however, Honors English stock has lost 20% of its value after repeated assignments and new books to read battered investors senseless. A small recovery is taking place after hours as investors recoup their losses over the weekend.
Meanwhile, the mathematics sector as a whole has seen minor gains, thanks largely to Tuesday’s blockbuster earnings report, when Eppco reported profit gains of 4-5% in emerging markets such as the Ghetto. These gains were supplemented on Friday by good homework news, but only after the biweekly quiz grade came in below estimates, causing a small dip in share prices.
The Spanish index, after four straight up weeks, recorded a loss for the week of March 5th, with experts saying that a slightly homosexual project skit was to blame. And at the other end of the spectrum, the government-owned Federal Department of Physical Education, which is not publicly traded, put investors in an uproar after comments by Federal Reserve Co-Chairpeople Gerry Labelle and Julie Young suggested a lowering of percentage grades and a move into track and field sports. The newly created Track and Field Program has not been successful, as weather and whining have kept the corrupt federal government from executing their plans. Protests outside the Department of Physical Education offices in the Blue Gym (similar to the White House, but not as well furnished) have garnered sympathy from Chairwoman Young but no mercy from Chairman Labelle.
And finally, the social studies sector, which has been on a tear since new Eppco-backed legislation changed several key tax laws, has moved steadily higher in the past few days as Eppco, Costello Holdings, and Hannah Li Brands (the three largest industry players) publish their quarterly earnings reports. Positive test grades reported as part of Friday’s SPI (Student Point Index) helped to push Eppco’s 15% stake in Fogey Mark to a value of over 70 minutes.
That’s the educational report for this Friday, March 5th, I’m Brett Epps for EGN, Eppco Global News.