Brettia

***Roll cheesy music and flashy opening graphics.***
Toupee-sporting middle-aged perverted anchorman: Hello and thanks for tuning in to Midnight Report. I’m Harry Ramsbottom.

Plastic-surgified thirty-year-old German valleygirl anchorwoman: And I’m Helga von Strausbourg. Our top story tonight: a Valley teenager dies of math-induced brain tumor.

Ramsbottom: For more on this story, we go to our field reporter, Salty Cracker. Salty?

Cracker: Thanks Harry. I’m standing outside the home of 15-year-old Brent Epperson, a high-school student who was killed two hours ago by what his friend describes as “homework spasms.”
***Flash to interview with friend.***
John Plant: Yes, I’m his best friend. We were doing our math homework when he suddenly started yelling, screaming, and writhing about on the floor. I was so shocked by this that I didn’t realize that he was dying until it was too late.

Cracker: To what would you attribute this horrible death?

Plant: Math homework. I’m a licensed plankton veterinarian myself, and after closer examination of the body, I found signs of a tumor lurking in his brain. It had been their for at least two years, by my reckoning; it was probably implanted during the Boatwright regime of 2002-2003. He’s been runnin’ hot all along, but it was these matrices and three-dimensional coordinate-planes that finally got him.

Cracker: A sad story, proof that our education system is in need of reform. Back to you, Harry.

Ramsbottom: Sad indeed. Moving on now, we’ve recently received news that a giant meteorite is headed for earth. My co-anchor has the story. ***tries to look down Helga’s shirt***
Von Strausbourg: NASA has recently discovered that a large chunk of Pluto, the Disney character, not the planet, is hurtling toward earth at speeds of over one million miles per hour. When the inevitable collision takes place in about thirty seconds, life as we know it will cease to exist. So how will this affect your holiday weekend? For that, we go to our weatherman, Knot Everwright. Knot?

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